1. |
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I want this to be bigger than me
And maybe it’ll be all I get to say
I wear it like armor to hide
What I’m too scared to say
To your face
Don’t confuse it for anything but that
I want to make you scared
Or maybe I’ll pull back from what I really mean
It makes sense that this is an apology
Do it right, make it mean something
Make sure it has you
Everyone’s watching, don’t make a mistake, c’mon c’mon
I’m trying to be everything I like
I’m trying to make you like me
Are you comfortable yet?
I’m not
I hope I never get to be
I know exactly what I want
A perfect mosaic, printed just for you
A shiny finished piece of myself
Undenied as something true
And maybe this isn’t it, and I’ll never make that
But I have to try
I have to try
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2. |
Maybe I'm Ed Wood
03:07
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Saw a man walking down the street alone
Looked like he knew exactly where to go
This made me wonder, "What the fuck had he done?
How'd he get such clarity and direction?"
So I fantasized about jumping on his back
Taking out pent up anxiety
Spilling like white foam out of my lips
I wanted to grab him by the throat and scream
"How'd you do it, motherfucker? How'd you figure it out?"
I don't know what he'd tell me
Maybe I don't even want to hear him talk
I don't want a voice that's louder than mine
Everyone with direction deserves to die
"How'd you do it, motherfucker? How'd you figure it out?"
But I didn't go
There's no way he knows
To be so scared of not being anything that I hate people
I don't even know
What made me like this?
I'm just now seeing the problems with me
The problem's with me
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3. |
KEMF
02:40
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I wanna write smaller songs
I want you to like me
But I don't write smaller songs
I don't write smaller songs
Why does every dream-popper sound the same to me?
Are they afraid?
Indie rocker, pitch-shift, reverb and drum machine
It's harmless, it will always be
Cool kid, date night, it's just to little for me
Write a song, squander your soul
I see you in me
I don't like me
I've got to get over it, I've got to get over this
I wanna kill every motherfucker with a guitar
I wanna kill every motherfucker with a guitar
Only me, only me, only me
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4. |
~
02:16
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5. |
Don't Do What You Love
08:02
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“There are only two ways this’ll turn out,” you say
I have nightmares about the second one
These thoughts’ll kill me
There aren’t really friends when I come back home
Every conversation I have feels like an accident
Nobody’s fault
I should’ve made it clear how much this meant to me, tried to take an edge off anxiety, I’m sorry if I hurt you it was just a defense, it was just a defense
Everyone I’ve met in the last year
Is better than me at this
Why can’t I let that make me happy
It makes me feel sick
Don’t leave me alone, don’t leave me alone
I can’t be by myself for more than an hour
I break apart
You are exactly where you need to be
Lying on the floor
Scream until you can’t anymore
I’m watching them pass these thoughts around like they’re harmless, “do what you love” isn’t advice, it’s a threat, they’re gonna take you out, I’m gonna take you out
If I cut these parts out how much of me is left?
Just an empty passionless shell?
Was I always like this?
Let’s find out and take these scoops of black bile,
With a scalpel,
Take and take and take and take until there’s nothing left
There aren’t two options
Stop thinking that way
No success, no failure, no art
Just pieces of you
Standing still isn’t wrong
Moving forward isn’t right
You are exactly where you need to be
Who said I had to be anything
To set myself on fire?
No, this is good for now
I don’t have to hurt myself anymore
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6. |
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Every facet bends backwards for you
A reflection of the life you’ve lived on every screen
And it irks you, doesn’t it?
When you cant have it all
For so long you took it all, took it all, so take it all
And when the first piece is stripped, it hurts, doesn’t it?
I know it did for me, I saw a new narrative
To finally see the pain you’re complicit in
It never stops, it never stops, it never stops
I caused pain I wouldn’t see
I ignored the harm
Closed off those who told the truth
These are the words of a coward
Everything was made for you
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7. |
Waiting For An Argument
04:14
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I'm not a good son
I'm waiting for something to change me
A ghost should walk through my chest
Taking out all the parts of me
I haven't replaced yet
I feel cold
I feel alone
You are waiting for an argument
but you're not wrong when you pick me apart
Take the rest of this in your teeth
I have no strength for being proven wrong
I feel cold
I feel alone
Senti mas en año que no te vi
Que en los 16 años que viviste con me
Perdon, no te conozco, me dicen que te llamen Martín,
Que te llames Martín
I feel cold
I feel alone
I am not a good son
I'm afraid of my father's eyes
I'm afraid I'm gonna fail him
I'm afraid it's too late to do him right
I'm gonna die
I'm gonna die
I haven't written the right words I haven't sang the right songs
I'm gonna die
I'm gonna die
I feel cold
I feel alone
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8. |
Chemicals
05:46
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This is a story I can’t burn
A center I’m afraid of knowing
Preface with excuses long enough
“This isn’t me, I didn’t know”
I’m not that convincing
A body I’ve hated for so long,
My brother’s mind is a mis-wired message of love,
It traps his soul in a film he can’t get out of
Have I said words to reach him?
He’s gotten so close to saying something
I wish I could give him
A breath
My father’s screaming at his son
Two nights later I join him
We don’t know the ghost from him
A name would help so fucking much
A title, a claim to this ghost
“Look me in the eye”
“How could you do this to them? How could you do this to us?”
God I wish I could swallow my words
God I wish I knew it was chemicals
Oh it burns when I talk to him
Every thought I had to hurt him is in his eyes
And I don’t think he knows how much
I don’t deserve the love he’s given me
Every wall in my parent’s home bore witness to what I’d done
What we did
It’s gotten better
But I never said I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
But there’s no way I could’ve known, and some of it might be your fault, but here’s to trying. I know this is only a part of you, and you are so much more than a burst of chords could ever give you. I see insight in your heart, I see the touches of a family who has only tried to love, and I have nightmares about me losing you before I’ve said enough, I’ve said too much
I wish I could swallow my words
I wish I could swallow syllables
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9. |
To Us
03:07
|
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|
You three
Buried a light in me
That I can't find
Not for lack of trying
Oh, but it's there
Yeah it's there
And I need to try
Yeah I need to try
For all this love
I want to make things clear:
You're the best anyone could ask for
No, no, you're better than that
You did the best you could
No, no, you're better than that
Yeah life's not that bad when you think about it
I mean, it's pretty fucking bad
But it's not that bad
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10. |
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Heard a song devoted to god
Said “Open wide”
But coming from here
There’s no god and there’s no door
I wanna be bigger than I am
I’ll use a little taste, a couple borders
Play it safesafesafesafesafesafe
You make beautiful art
It’s kind of funny
But you? Why would I waste it on you?
Twenty thousand enormous little lies
Held under the biggest one
This country’s housing blood
And you’re still talking about your ex-girlfriend?
C’mon man, it’s been three years
It's been three years
It's been three fucking years
Yeah you. Why would I waste it on you?
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11. |
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What don’t you like? Tell me
Are you turned off by the stagnant waters coming through here
by way of the midwest?
It doesn’t do much for me
There’s no movement there
Do you feel the same? No?
Oh, oh good
It’s not like I was serious
I mean, yeah, no it’s fine
You know what they say
About glass houses and stones
Ha ha ha ha ha
I was joking
No really
It’s all great
I want it, I want what you’ve got
A cool cool band, with all your friends
I’m just the perfect picture of health
Should we go see that band?
Ha ha ha ha ha
Oh man
I never really liked them anyway
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12. |
There's The Door
06:36
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|
I don’t remember it not being there.
This compulsion’s unhealthy
Keep it up, and it kills me
There’s no chance that this’ll work out
It’s become clear
Oh what hope have I got? One?
Maybe two hours of good songs?
A couple minutes great
I’m building a fixture, a frame, a portrait
“For what? For love? To whom?”
It’s shallow, it’s beauty, I’m it, it’s me
“A waste, a product, I’m valued at what?”
But it feels good, it’s urgent, a thesis to these kids
“No one asked for this, you’re not voiceless”
Well then, I always have other options
“Then do it. You’re bluffing. Being? A joke.”
Not me. Not me. Not me. Not me.
A call, a cut, a knife, a trigger
Anything thing to get over what I see
just left of center, this constant part of me.
So here's to waking up with fire inside of
the spot that leaves you wanting to live
Don't dare try to take this from me
I will kill the sound I hate
I will kill the sound you make
Your music is a joke to me
How dare you take this holy noise
The only sound that didn't kill me
It's only me
You all seem so sure I’ll be fine
I don’t believe you
But I have to try
No, no, trust me
You don’t want this
As bad as me
I mean, it’s killing me.
Is it killing you?
I don’t remember it not being there.
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||||
Struckout Long Beach, California
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